If i am a Japanese

( A wicked analysis into the habits and behaviors of Japanese culture )

I will have to get an engineering degree so I can take a piss. The Japanese toilet is even more complicated than my rusty old laptop. My first encounter lasted for an hour just figuring out the buttons. And because of its ultra high extra sensor technology, it will not work until you actually sit on the damn seat and push a button. On the first try, a small lever ejected out from nowhere. It seemed pretty safe enough until it suddenly squirted water right into regions south of my Brazil that made me yelp. Great, I just lost my virginity to a Japanese toilet.

I will be invincible to all calamities known to earth except Godzilla. Earthquake? I was in Tokyo when an earthquake of 6.8 magnitude caused a nuclear plant leak which contaminated the water pipes. “No worry no worry” our tourguide dismisses me with a wave of her hand. I was at the Tokyo tower when an aftershock sent all the Filipino tourists scrambling for dear life. The Japanese? -still admiring the view with their kids as if it was a happy rainshower. I practically screamed at the hotel phone operator asking where the emergency exits are after another aftershock rocked our hotel at midnight. The reply? What you say? towels you like towel? Medicine? I don’t understand? Shake? You like drink? Oh never mind. CNN blared warnings against tsunamis as we went to Disney Sea and all the Japanese tourguide tells us with a wave of her hand… no worries! That is why they have Bioman and Shaider to save the day.

I will lug a trashcan with me everyday. It is a miracle how the streets and parks of Japan are impeccably clean with nary a trashcan in sight of the public. As explained to me, it is customary to bring their trash back home. In Edo Imperial Park, I wanted to throw my unfinished ice cream away and after walking from end to end looking for a trashcan, there was none in sight. I asked a nearby policeman where I can throw it. He just motioned the sign “ No trashcan. You eat all.” And started following me with ninja like stealth until I licked off every single drop to his satisfaction. (There is a fine for littering regardless of nationality).If only we can put such enthusiasm to our trash situation.

I will be a neat freak. If there is another adjective to describe them aside from spotless, it will be organized. The Japanese adherence to accuracy and perfection creeps into every solitary detail. Just browse around their grocery stores. Even the shrimps are aligned in perfect symmetrical order, of the same size and shape. Ever wonder why they eat in bento boxes? It sorts and files the four basic food groups in proper place. And us pinoys? We invented the Halo Halo. Spot the difference?

I will have the uncanny ability to ride a bicycle in a pencil cut skirt. I don’t know how they do it. But they do it.

I will eat green tea and beans for desert. We might look at them as food for the oldies here but for some peculiar reason, the Japanese love green tea and beans on ice cream, cookies and cake. It does offer a pretty interesting taste and texture. Not to mention the nifty nutritional value they contain. ( email the author at wandergirl28@gmail.com or visit http://theunlonelyplanet.wordpress.com )

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